


Five Times Alex's Life Was A Ke$ha Song And One Time It Wasn't

by theyre_my_babies



Series: Alex Rider: Five Times Alex and Yassen Were In Love [5]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Five And One, M/M, Overuse of the word 'fuck' and its variants, Updated to include more "fuck"s!, alive!Yassen Gregorovich, ke$ha - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4816601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyre_my_babies/pseuds/theyre_my_babies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Alex's Life Was A Ke$ha Song And One Time It Wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> Canon Alex may listen to Eminem, but my Alex listens to Ke$ha!  
> Reminder: When Alex goes on missions as a girl, the name they use is 'Lily'.

1.

“ _This place about to BLOW-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!_ ”

Yassen raised an eyebrow. “Is blasting Ke$ha from the building’s speakers your new method of throwing off the people with AK-47s off your trail?” he asked as Alex hopped in the car.

Alex laughed maniacally as Yassen floored the gas pedal and sped away from the labs. “Their fault for not locking the control room in a mind control research lab.”

Yassen rolled his eyes.

“Anyways,” Alex said, “there’s a place with really good ice cream a couple towns west of here. We should go get some.”

Yassen glanced at Alex with a raised eyebrow, but still adjusted their path for the change in plans.

Behind them-

**BOOM.**

Alex laughed.

2.

“You know, this really isn’t a lot different from before you retired, except now instead of just being pretty sure I’m going to see you at things, I know I’m going to see you there because you’re my date,” Alex shouted over the music, latching onto Yassen’s arm at a party in a warehouse, hosted by a drug lord with vision.

Yassen kissed Alex’s hair. “Lils. The glasses are a nice touch,” he would have murmured, but it would have been impossible to hear, so he said it loudly and close to Alex’s ear.

Alex grinned. “Nobody’s going to hit a girl with glasses,” he yelled.

“A few people might,” Yassen shouted, watching a group of very large, very angry-looking men barrel towards them.

Slowly, the people around them were also noticing. The party began to slow down. The noise of the people began to die down, and the DJ stopped the music, causing the lights to slow down and stop as well.

“ALEX RIDER!” the head brute roared.

Alex laughed loudly, carelessly and handed his phone to Yassen. “Gimme a beat to beat these guys to!” he yelled - actually because he wanted to yell this time, not because he had to yell over the music.

“ _Tonight, I’mma fight till we see the sunlight_ ,” Ke$ha blasted from the building speakers that Yassen had hacked and accessed from Alex’s phone, as Alex twisted, turned, punched, jabbed, and kicked the gang into submission. With the return of the music, the light quickly flew back into flashing like a Speed hallucination, and the people on the fucked-up version of Speed being served at this party (which was most of them) quickly followed along and went back to partying and cheering on the fight.

“Fox is blowing up your phone!” Yassen yelled as Alex finished kicking ass and starting tying up bodies. “He wants to know why you’re not sending him selfies - you’re supposed to be sending him selfies?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot - take some pics of these guys I beat up for him!” He kicked the one that he was tying up again. “This guy slapped my ass! Tell Fox I want a raise!”

“He says, ‘Are you drunk?’”

Alex laughed.

3.

“You’re wearing… hot pants and… glitter,” Yassen said, staring at Alex as he pushed open the door to Starbucks.

Alex didn’t respond - his head bobbed and hips danced to whatever music was coming through his earbuds. He grinned at Yassen.

“Ke$ha,” Yassen lamented, throwing a pained look at Alex.

Alex paused his music and removed his earbuds, tossing them back and around his neck. “Hey, Honey Love, how's it going? "

"Better before all my customers started ogling my Sugarbuttons' ass," Yassen muttered. "You've broken the hipsters. What happened to your shirt?"

Alex shrugged carelessly. "Sold it to some dude in Albania. Used the money for train tickets."

"Have you gotten any sleep in the last three days?" Yassen asked, eyeing Alex.

"Ben picked me up from the train station, I slept in the car," Alex said, slightly uncomfortable. "I missed you."

Yassen smiled softly. "I missed you too, Alex. White chocolate mocha, extra whip, on the house. Have you been by the bank yet?"

"No."

"Extra shot of espresso, then."

"Thank you," Alex said, relief in his voice. "The life of a superstar, Yassen. You and extra whip are what make everything worth it."

4.

“I don’t get paid to babysit,” Alex whined into the phone. “Tell Tim to come pick up his kid brother, this kid is demon spawn.”

“Tim is currently stuck in a plane that’s headed for the ocean floor,” Yassen replied, only the slightest hint of concern sneaking into his voice. “The sooner you get done with your part of the mission, the sooner we can all get out of this mess.”

Alex groaned. “Ugh. You know what a pain in the ass this job is? Scorpia is the worst. Why is it always a church? Why is Scorpia obsessed with churches, Yassen? Also, there are some things I am _not_ willing to do for this job. I don’t know if you remember some asshole named Henry, but he’s dead now.”

“Good,” Yassen said.

“Alright, Damian says he’s in the system. Okay, the door code -”

Alex rattled off the door code to Yassen, who repeated it for Tim, who used it to escape the sinking craft.

“It’s going down, I’m yelling TIMBERRRRRRR,” Alex yelled. “Scorpia better move, they better dance. I’ll make a night that they won’t live through, I am the one they won’t forget! Come on, demon spawn, this building’s got a _hot date_ with my arson skillz in about five minutes, and we don’t want to be around when the fireworks start going off!”

5.

Alex groaned and slammed his head against the hallway wall, leaning against it. “Where the fuck is he?”

“Who?” Ben asked cautiously.

“ _Yassen_ ,” Alex moaned, drawing out the word. “I can’t find him, Ben. He’s not home. I checked all of the alleys where he normally haunts to take care of the cats and beat up bad people and he’s not in any of them. He’s not answering any of my calls. Ugh, Ben.”

Ben glanced at the clock, then looked back at Alex and examined him. “It’s 6 AM,” he finally said. “Alex, have you been up all night?”

“Yes! I can’t find my Honey Love!”

Ben groaned inwardly but chose to display no reaction to the pet name. “Alex, you need some sleep. And some time away from Yassen, probably.”

“ _ **No.**_ ” Alex shot a harsh glare Ben’s way. “I’m going to call ‘6.” He turned around and walked back to his room. When he came back out, he was on the phone.

“ _Why the fuck would you fucking do that?!_ ” he yelled into the phone. “Don’t fucking drug my fucking boyfriend! You have no fucking right! He’s a fucking _legal fucking citizen_ and he has been fucking granted full fucking immunity from any and fucking all of your vile fucking organization’s corrupt, criminal, malicious, villainous fucking schemes! No, don’t you fuckers fucking talk to me about fucking changes in fucking leadership, I have been the fuck through those fucking hoops! Fuck you, fuck this, Yassen is fucking on my fucking list of fucking terms and fucking conditions! Did you fucking read my fucking terms and fucking conditions, Riddle?! Because I fucking swear if you do not fucking follow them to the fucking _letter_ I will - Fucking good. Fucking thank you. Now, please fucking refrain from such ridiculous fucking behavior in the fucking future and I am fucking sure we will be able to fucking maintain a fucking courteous, mutually beneficial fucking working relationship. See you the fuck tomorrow, Riddle.”

Ben stared as Alex reamed out the current head of British intelligence. The kid - barely, now, if he had been one at all in years - was a far greater threat than he often allowed anyone to see. If Alex ever decided he was sick of saving the world, Ben knew, the end would come faster than anyone could anticipate.

And 1.

“Mmmmmm.” Alex snuggled happily into Yassen’s chest. “I take everything I said back, coming to Russia for New Year’s Eve was a great idea. I now have every excuse to leech all of your body heat through physical contact.”

Yassen rolled his eyes and smiled fondly, gently running a hand up and down over Alex’s back. “Hm.”

“So, why are we here?”

“Hm?”

“Here, specifically. St. Petersburg. This particular hillside.”

Yassen’s smile gained a hint of ruefulness. Or was it nostalgia? He stared at the sky. “The year I knew your father, we were on assignment in St. Petersburg on New Year’s Eve. Your mother was seven months pregnant with you, so she and your father - it was dangerous, stupid, but she often came to where he was, to see him. Clandestinely. She rented out a cottage while we were here - I couldn’t get the same one, Alex, but the one we’re in is close.”

Alex was listening intently, soaking up every word.

“Hunter and I had been staying in a hotel in the city, but for New Year’s Eve, we came out here. I was surprised - it was the only time he ever brought me along when he was meeting your mother. The three of us watched the fireworks together from here. Helen fell asleep around 12:30. I remember watching Hunter carry her to the bed. He and I traded off sleeping on the couch.” Yassen glanced down at Alex and smiled. “They were very in love, your parents. That is one of my favorite memories."

"Thank you," Alex said softly, kissing Yassen's cheek. "I think _you're_ one of my favorite memories."

Yassen laughed. "Don’t assign me to memory status just yet,” he teased. “I’d like to stay around awhile longer than that.”

In the distance, clocks struck midnight, and fireworks began.

Alex smiled.

“I’d like that,” he said.

**Author's Note:**

> I decided I was uncomfortable enough with the And 1. that I changed it before moving on to the next segment. If this were set in a different kind of universe, I might have gone with it, but as it is, I didn't feel like that part of the scene was in character.


End file.
